Home TIPS Humor: Sensitive TSA manual outed on web
Humor: Sensitive TSA manual outed on web PDF Print E-mail

Stalin as airport security

Well, he would've made a real strict airport security guy

Panic time! It was in all the headlines. Some computer geek put the entire TSA instruction manual for its employees in cyberspace for all to see. Does that mean every ragheaded terrorist in the world is now studying it to see how to peprare a bunch of suicide freaks to attack the next flight out of your home town?

Don’t get your feathers in an uproar, senior flyers! The high-and-mightly bosses of TSA (Transportation Security Administration) say, and we know they’re very reliable, the manual that was outed on the internet is out of date, and most of material has been revised.

However, we’ve had a peek at the stolen document, and will give you the actual instructions the TSA guys and gals at the airport must study and memorize. Here are five of the rules for doing their job exactly the way the instructions in the manual say:

1. Always keep that knowing sneer on your face. It may not scare away terrorists, but it will make shoeless little old ladies in wheelchairs quake with fear as you push them at top speed through the x-ray doorway.

2. Choose the most packed carry-on you can find and take it aside for inspection. Make sure the owner is watching as you throw each item up in the air. For added fun, maybe grab one or two intimate items and wave them to a nearby TSA pal. Let out a nasty cackle or two to help establish the right humiliating mood.

3. Always wave your electronic wand all over passengers under age two. Some terrorists disguise themselves as babies, and because of the long, slow check-in lines, by the time the little ones get to you, you’ll be sure to find something explosive in their diapers.

4. When things get dull, there are always other old people to annoy. Before they go through the x-ray doorway, make them remove shoes, false teeth, wigs, artificial legs, pacemakers and oxygen tanks. You’ll have many fun moments watching them squirm, stagger, fall and choke.

5. Maybe the most fun of all is to slow down the inspection for the anxious guy who desperately tells you he has only minutes to catch his flight. Be sure to carefully examine every item of his carry-on bag, especially take out and flap shirts and underwear several times each as if they could contain bombs. Then, make him stand with his arms and legs spread, wave that electronic wand all around, especially dangerously close to his vital parts. Stop for a minute or more on each step to scratch your head and ponder, before going on to the next outrage of the poor slob until his flight has taken off without him.

As a further fun benefit, use this and other methods to drive airline passengers nuts, because it makes excellent subjects for laughter at the next TSA coffee break. Hey, TSA guys and gals, don’t get mad. I’m just joking!


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