There has been considerable speculation lately about American meatpackers and restaurants slipping horse meat into their menus without identifying it. Although horseflesh has been an acceptable food in many countries around the world, it is still frowned upon by most American diners.

Therefore, as a service to our traveling seniors who are against eating a Dobbinburger or Seabiscuit steak, here are ways to tell when you suspect the meat on your plate once ran at Churchill Downs. It may help the next time you’re traveling in France, Belgium or Italy. People there consider horse meat a delicacy, but it’s not for you.

1. Before you sit down, you exclaim, “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse!” Then the waiter says, “Funny you should mention....”

2. When you try to cut into your flank steak, you hear a plaintively negative “Neigh”.
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3. Completing the horse meat dinner, you suddenly get up, whinny and run the mile in 1:34.

4. An hour after eating equus, you feel a sudden urge to watch a John Wayne movie.

5. You realize Hamlet asked the ultimate question about whether it was horse meat at Elsinore: “To be or not to be, that is the equestrian!”

(To our senior travelers: Hope the lame humor gives you a horse laugh!)